Tell me a joke

[phillyflyers]

Guy goes to golfing one day. Gets to the clubhouse and he sees robot caddies. So he says to one of the workers there what's up with these robot caddies?

Guy says they're brand new and everyone loves them. People are having the best rounds of their lives using them. Guy says really, let me take one out and try it.

So guy gets the robot caddy and goes out and plays amd comes back. Worker said how'd you do?

Guy says these things are great! I played the best golf I ever played in my life! I want to buy it! How much?

Worker says well normally we would sell it to you but we've got complaints from people and now we can't use them.

Guy says what? who's complaining and for what?

Worker says well because they're so shiny they reflect too much light and it's blinding people.

Guy says well why don't you just change the colour?

Worker said we tried painting them black but they just started stealing everything.

 

[Tanko]

It was a sad day today at work.

After several year of medical training and hard work, a co-worker was fired. It was after only one indiscretion by him.

He slept with one of his patients and now is banned from the profession.

What a complete waste of years of training and money. He was genuinely a nice guy and an excellent vet.

 

[Tanko]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[keithrichard]

Maybe he retired from gambling.

Sorry Genie. I just don't find any humour in that joke.

 

[RRsilver]

Why did Bo Jackson's mom and dad name him Bo?



They could not spell Bob.

 

[Tanko]

Why did Bo Jackson's mom and sad name him Bo?



They could not spell Bob.

Ouch....

 

[BMR Genie]

"There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

 

[keithrichard]

Sorry Genie. I just don't find any humour in that joke.

I was kidding here Genie.

 

[BMR Genie]

I was kidding here Genie.

All good, Keith.

 

[edawg]

"There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

When anybody asks me how was my round always tell them I am about 4 under.
1 under a bush
1 under a tree
1 under a bridge
And 1 under the water.

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

"There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

6 minutes?!?!
Guy is a stud…..

 

[RRsilver]

Ouch....

Big Alabama fan Here! Plenty of Auburn or the Barn jokes is what we call them. Should have said Dad not sad.

 

[BMR Genie]

Big Alabama fan Here! Plenty of Auburn or the Barn jokes is what we call them. Should have said Dad not sad.

I edited the post for you, RR.

 

[Tanko]

Sometimes, things go your way and sometimes they don't.


Last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said thinking I was going to get lucky.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Yeah, I'm divorced now and out of a job.

 

[BMR Genie]

Sometimes, things go your way and sometimes they don't.


Last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said thinking I was going to get lucky.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Yeah, I'm divorced now and out of a job.

LOL. Both parties were surprised.

 

[RRsilver]

A couple was making love outside on a ski slope:

She said, “ Wow what staying power,'' He said ''Damn, I’m frozen stiff!”

 

[RRsilver]

A husband returns home from the office unexpectedly early, and surprises his wife in bed with another woman.
She says to him: “Wait, it’s not what you’re hoping!”

 

[RRsilver]

After submitting to X rays, electrocardiograms and blood tests, the anxious patient waited for the doctor's opinion. "Mr. Silver," the physician began, " I have good news and bad news.
"What's the good news?"
"My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine."
"And the bad news?"
"You're going to pay for it."

 

[MinnesotaFats]

Oscar Pistorious goes to the hospital.

After a long consultation the Doctor briefs Oscar.

"Oscar, I've got good news & bad news..."

Oscar sighs..."Whats the bad news?"

"Oscar, I have to take both your legs..."

..."JFC, what's the good news?" Oscar asks.

"The guy in the room next door, he'll give you $50 for your shoes...." the Doc replies.

 

[JDS]

When anybody asks me how was my round always tell them I am about 4 under.
1 under a bush
1 under a tree
1 under a bridge
And 1 under the water.

I like this one