Tell me a joke

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Oscar Pistorious goes to the hospital.

After a long consultation the Doctor briefs Oscar.

"Oscar, I've got good news & bad news..."

Oscar sighs..."Whats the bad news?"

"Oscar, I have to take both your legs..."

..."JFC, what's the good news?" Oscar asks.

"The guy in the room next door, he'll give you $50 for your shoes...." the Doc replies.

Thought this was going to be a shooting your girlfriend joke…..

 

[2the9s]

What do you call the little bumps around a woman's nipple?

Braille.

 

[edawg]

A blonde walks into a bar with a steering wheel in her hands crying her eyes out. Bartender says "OMG did you get in an accident? " she replies " Oh no my husband said I was dumb at that I should try driving some other guy's nuts for a change."

 

[BMR Genie]

"Dad : Who do u like more, mum or dad?
Son : Both
Dad : Okay, if I go to Malaysia and your mum goes to Dubai , where will you go?
Son : Dubai
Dad : That shows u love your mum more?
Son : No, it shows i love Dubai more than Malaysia
Dad : Okay, if i go to Dubai and your mum goes to Malaysia , where will u go?
Son : Malaysia
Dad : Replied angrily, why?
Son : why the anger, I chose Malaysia because I have been to Dubai before
Dad : When did you go to Dubai ?
Son : During the first question"

 

[edawg]

How do you sink Polands top navy battleship? ... put it in the water.

 

[BMR Genie]

"I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. "

 

[BMR Genie]

"A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Then, why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them.""

 

[BMR Genie]

"A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been f***ed?' The fellow said 'No!' She said 'You will be when the tide comes in."

 

[Tanko]

"A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been f***ed?' The fellow said 'No!' She said 'You will be when the tide comes in."

Harsh... Genie. Harsh.

 

[BMR Genie]

Harsh... Genie. Harsh.

Haha, it's like a movie.. with a twist ending, Tank.

 

[JDS]

"A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been f***ed?' The fellow said 'No!' She said 'You will be when the tide comes in."

 

[phillyflyers]

Guy walks into a diner one day. He sits down, waitress comes over, hands him a menu.

She comes back a few minutes later and asks him if he's ready to order. He says yes. She says what would you like?

He says I'll start with the soup of the day, then I'll have the steak with mashed potatoes. She takes the order.

Few minutes later, waitress walks out with the soup and the guy notices she has her thumb in the fukkin soup.

Dude is a little freaked out about it but says nothing. He eats the soup.

Couple minutes later, she comes out with the steak and potatoes and again the guy notices she has her thumb in the mashed potatoes.

This time he freaks out and says to her excuse me but when you brought out my soup you had your thumb in the soup, now you've got your thumb in my potatoes. What the fukk is wrong with you?
Waitress says oh I'm sorry, I had an accident a few months back and lost feeling in my thumb and now it's always cold so I always have to warm it up now.

Guy says well why don't you go and stick it up your fukkin ass instead of people's food?!

Waitress says oh I do that when I'm in the back kitchen.

 

[BMR Genie]

Guy walks into a diner one day. He sits down, waitress comes over, hands him a menu.

She comes back a few minutes later and asks him if he's ready to order. He says yes. She says what would you like?

He says I'll start with the soup of the day, then I'll have the steak with mashed potatoes. She takes the order.

Few minutes later, waitress walks out with the soup and the guy notices she has her thumb in the fukkin soup.

Dude is a little freaked out about it but says nothing. He eats the soup.

Couple minutes later, she comes out with the steak and potatoes and again the guy notices she has her thumb in the mashed potatoes.

This time he freaks out and says to her excuse me but when you brought out my soup you had your thumb in the soup, now you've got your thumb in my potatoes. What the fukk is wrong with you?
Waitress says oh I'm sorry, I had an accident a few months back and lost feeling in my thumb and now it's always cold so I always have to warm it up now.

Guy says well why don't you go and stick it up your fukkin ass instead of people's food?!

Waitress says oh I do that when I'm in the back kitchen.

Yikes haha

 

[kostasmalina]

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?​

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

 

[harpo]

MORON

 

[BMR Genie]

"There’s a woman sitting in the vets with her small dog.
A young girl, with a Great Dane comes in and sits beside her.
As they are waiting they strike up a conversation:
The young girl says,
“What’s he in for?” pointing to the dog.
The older women looks around and makes sure no one else can hear.
She says,
“Well actually, it’s a bit embarrassing. You see every time I bend down, he tries to mount me. So we’re here to have him neutered.”
She then turns to the young girl and said,
“So what’s he in for?” while pointing to her dog.
The young girl says, “Actually he’s got the same problem as yours.”
The older women say, “So have you brought him in to be neutered too?”
“Good God no,” says the young girl,
“I just want his toenails clipped.”"

 

[Tanko]

"There’s a woman sitting in the vets with her small dog.
A young girl, with a Great Dane comes in and sits beside her.
As they are waiting they strike up a conversation:
The young girl says,
“What’s he in for?” pointing to the dog.
The older women looks around and makes sure no one else can hear.
She says,
“Well actually, it’s a bit embarrassing. You see every time I bend down, he tries to mount me. So we’re here to have him neutered.”
She then turns to the young girl and said,
“So what’s he in for?” while pointing to her dog.
The young girl says, “Actually he’s got the same problem as yours.”
The older women say, “So have you brought him in to be neutered too?”
“Good God no,” says the young girl,
“I just want his toenails clipped.”"

LMAO. Holy s#it.....
I'm telling this one to my Vet next time I take the cat in.

 

[phillyflyers]

I'll post the answer to this joke after you guys take a couole.of guesses at it.

Now, there's a trick in the wording of the joke so you got to listen to it carefully so I'll say it twice...

What do you call a black man, in space, working for NASA?

I'll repeat..

What do you call a black man, IN SPACE, working for NASA?

 

[kostasmalina]

Freeman?

 

[phillyflyers]

Freeman?

A nig/ger.