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DiggityDaggityDo

DiggityDaggityDo

Joined
Oct 30, 2021
Messages
26,523
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A young @flyingillini made another note that said, “Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples."
 

healthnjoy

healthnjoy

Joined
Dec 20, 2023
Messages
678
One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.


He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.

Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”

And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 

healthnjoy

healthnjoy

Joined
Dec 20, 2023
Messages
678
This describes soooo well a friend of mine:

Bill woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm’s Christmas Party.

He didn’t even remember how he got home. Confused he tried to gather his thoughts, “It’s 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. The wife must have gone to work.”

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his heart sank as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy; there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene.

He stumbled to the bathroom, which was also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.

This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. “I’ll ring your office and tell them you won’t be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There’s sport on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn’t hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Alison.”

Bill stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.


His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Bill, bracing himself for the worst, asked his son what happened the previous night.

His son said, “Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Bill was confused as he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mom and breakfast waiting for me?”

His son replied, “Oh, that! Well you see, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!'”
 
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