Tell me a joke

[DiggityDaggityDo]

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino...​

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the cab driver, "you go f*** off. Walk to the airport, I don' give a damn about your problems"

Stunned, the man manages to get to the airport and makes his flight. He returns to the same casino the next year and is killing it. Poker, blackjack, slots - he just cannot lose. He makes a fortune.

It's time to leave so he walks out of the casino and sees a long line of cab drivers, and at the very end is the one who humiliated him the year before.

He goes to the first driver in the line and says "Will you give me a ride to the airport and throw in a blowjob for 2 bucks?"

"What?!", says the first driver, "get lost, freako! I'm not giving you a blowjob!".

The man goes to the next driver with the same offer, with a similar response.

He works his way through all the drivers, being rebuffed by all on his offer, until he reaches the guy from the previous year that was such an asshole to him. "To the airport, and if you make it snappy, I'll double your fare as a tip" he tell the driver, who obviously doesn't recognize him from the previous year.

The driver gleefully agrees, the man gets in the car, and the driver starts toward the airport with a giant smile on his face. As they drive away past the line of other cab drivers, the man looks out the rear side window at all the other drivers he spoke to with a smile and a big thumbs up.

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1795417429847282108

 

[BMR Genie]

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1795417429847282108

Poor driver, no idea.

 

[RRsilver]

View attachment 33107

A group of Ethiopian's visited the farm above and was given the same offer.
When one fell and/or jumped in. After about 5 minutes of what looked like a massacre,
the owner yelled out "get him the fukk out of there, before he eats them all''

 

[Wagerallsports]

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1800120473734480038

 

[charliebrown]

You won't ever break a bone because you're addicted to your phone.

 

[flyingillini]

I got a great joke.

What did a young @Tanko say to an aging and balding @DiggityDaggityDo ??

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

I got a great joke.

What did a young @Tanko say to an aging and balding @DiggityDaggityDo ??

What?

 

[Tanko]

I got a great joke.

What did a young @Tanko say to an aging and balding @DiggityDaggityDo ??

What?

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

What do g@y horses eat?

 

[BMR Genie]

"Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!"




Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"

 

[healthnjoy]

Blow job for $2

lolololol that's a gem

 

[edawg]

Woman moves in with her Boyfriend and asks why does the neighbors house always have a red light on top of it? Boyfriend says don't worry about it that is just a whorehouse. Woman says what kind of people would go to such a place? Boyfriend says the guy leaving out the back door is Finnish, the guy going up to the house is Russian. and the guy in the house he be Himalayan. She replies OK smart guy how about the guy standing outside in the pouring rain for the last two days? Boyfriend says oh he is just a Pollock waiting for the light to turn green.

 

[edawg]

Cop catches a high school boy fooling around with a cheerleader at the cemetery. He says this is the fourth time this week I caught you don't you read the sign it says "private property no trespassing!" Boy replies no I read the other one that says " get a lot while your still young."

 

[BMR Genie]

"A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

"A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Good joke, but all kidding aside those ‘resort fees’ are a bunch of Bull$#!T - especially Vegas. They should allow you to swap out certain things like, I’m not using the gym, but throw me an extra cocktail at the pool…..

 

[edawg]

Bluejay tells a Woodpecker about a farmer that throws out nuts every morning. Bluejay starts getting mad because the Woodpecker shows up late everyday after he busts all the nuts. Woodpecker tells him if only he saw the perfect piece of ash he gets to stick his pecker in when he wakes up he would understand.

 

[BMR Genie]

Good joke, but all kidding aside those ‘resort fees’ are a bunch of Bull$#!T - especially Vegas. They should allow you to swap out certain things like, I’m not using the gym, but throw me an extra cocktail at the pool…..

True.

or, I don't want to wake up at 7AM on my vacation to catch up on the breakfast buffet. Can I use it for lunch instead?

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

The difference is, I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face…..

 

[patrickbateman]

Why is it good to have a Liberal passenger?

You can park in the handicapped zone.

 

[patrickbateman]

Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?

It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.